Right here

I’m deleting my Facebook. We had a good run, and I shared my authentic and whole self but it’s time.

The interesting thing is that I posted so many things, so many pictures, so much fluff, comments, etc. but there’s only one thing that I am specifically going to go back and save and that’s the picture I took of Livy falling asleep in my bed the night of her first (and only) grand mal seizure on the floor of Classic Skating. Julia saw it happen—I wasn’t even there; they were with their stepmom—and was hysterical/having a panic attack, so Livys then-stepbrother Taylor rode in the ambulance with Liv because their stepmom had to drive the rest of the kids behind the ambulance to the hospital. And the picture is nothing really; of a teen girl—covers messy, on her side, face angled towards the mattress; exhausted by the events but alive and safe in my bed after a dangerous day—but for me it’s everything. So so much. Because some things you can’t ever truly savor until you’re powerfully thankful things didn’t go another way and that was one of those things.

And that is life. That is real life. Savoring and being present for the fear and the love; carrying the terror that you’re watching your baby sister die and can do nothing; paramedics hovering over her, asking if she can remember her name and how old she is; looking upon your child that could be dead and seeing her breathe in your bed like there’s nothing else you could ever fucking want.

So yeah. It’s time. Because life is too short and too long not to be part of things that resonate within a deeper significance and yes, while I’ve truly attempted to make my Facebook one of the most authentic spaces and many have risen to that level and I’m grateful for that, (and I’m sure that sometimes I’ll regret this), FB is only a filtered and flawed vehicle to connection and I’m never going to look back on it with nostalgia. But Julia, Livy, George the kitty up there, writing, pictures, mountains, sunrises, Road trips, healing, gratitude and love, love, love are right here. They’re right here. And that’s what I want so I’m going to move there and see what happens.

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