“But if we bling my cone, would I still look sad enough to work the treat circuit?” Yes. I suggested to Chloe that we jazz up her cone and give it some bling. Because she'd had 15 teeth removed then got 10 days worth of antibiotics to be crammed down her throat plus a cone … Continue reading Working that cone
Tag: Humor
Sometimes when you rise in the morning, the light in the room holds echoes of the ancestors and other worlds, and in a speechless wisdom of such purity you can hear them saying: “No. Don’t wear those shorts; they shrunk and you’re already bloated.” And sometimes you’re wise and you listen, and sometimes you gotta … Continue reading Donated shorts
I was going to post something about the dystopia of living in a society where the feel good stories are about the masses huddling together over burning GoFundMe pyres because that’s all capitalism will let us have. But this FB memory from 2015 popped up and just last night this same walker-slayer—now 18–and I watched … Continue reading Pull up a pyre
Lady at the Costco eye center counter last week when I was ordering: “Are you sure? They’re too big for your face.” Me (inner eye roll, like she thinks it’s amateur hour): “No problem. Been wearing broken ones for 15 months; lost two other pairs in one year. I’m not even gonna have these long. … Continue reading Contacts?
Or you CAN touch but you’re gonna pay for it. Thank you to my oldest daughter for tagging me in this on Instagram because it’s a big moment in a parent’s life when they’re finally able to connect with their kids on the profound life issues.
I’ll keep at it then. Just in case. (Seen in house of new sit family proving that the universe delivers all the sagest shit to her little bitches)
The voting is in and I'm Jack, Julia is Wise, and Livy is Lazy; all other positions remain open with an additional write-in spot going to the candidate for "Kiss Ass” about which if you qualify, you can not only be my next child but if you also make good coffee, I’d bump you up … Continue reading Ass’s
USPS card left at my home saying my package was undeliverable because they couldn’t find my home USPS: "Ma'am, we delivered the card to tell you where to pick up the package. That's what that card is. We couldn't find your house so we sent the package to the nearest post office and mailed you … Continue reading Undeliverable
The daughter who starred in this is now 21 and very responsible--employed and everything--so I think this 2016 Facebook post reflects her peak "stoner." I can't exactly remember but believe she did clean her car that day with “bleach and chemicals”—and thank god for that because how else would she even get cancer?—but it still … Continue reading The Flow
Just sitting in the parking lot of Whole Foods getting dictatorship updates via Twitter—since it’s the first time I’ve ever lived in a dictatorship and I want to be informed—and I had a nip slip while I was trying to get something out of my bra. And the nip slip was more like not really … Continue reading Holstered
