Tag Archives: universe


This morning I rose at 4:51 to a chorus of high-pitched mews from the foster kitten room (rough translation of which was: “get up! ‘the fuck this door still closed for?”) and my own cats scrambled when I got up and let them out because the old batch of fosters had been trained to stay the fuck clear but this new batch uses my cats’ litter box and scamper around like happy little assholes and it’s bullshit, and watching them bitchslap kittens makes me wonder what would happen if cats had access to low grade uranium and Internet forums.

And on their way out, the kittens summit the pile of laundry indelicately blocking the hallway and it’s Class A athlete stuff because the pile is enormous (to include all the clothes that need washing AND all the clothes I even own=I have no clean clothes) and the laundry room is downstairs which might as well be Nirvana so it’s been growing in “complexity” (ripeness) but the kittens push forth through my shame and my cats find higher ground as the kittens explode like shrapnel into the living room.

By neither nature nor profession am I a fancy person. Yesterday, I had six animals and two kindergarteners climb onto my lap; I scooped five litter boxes, walked three dogs; helped one girl with lice pull back her hair, reminded one boy to stop picking his nose, one not to hysterically laugh when he passed gas, and washed a thirds accidentally-flicked applesauce off my bottom lip with what (I’m hoping) was superhuman zeal; then today by 8:10 a.m., my Siberian cat rubbed against me with a suspiciously wet tail and I had to give two kittens a bath because they fell into the toilet. When I leave the house, I may or may not be covered in cat hair, toilet water, boogers, lice, or someone else’s crusty food, and there have been moments during my work days when I’ve said “oh my god! What’s that smell?!” and I wasn’t that surprised to find out that it was me.

And it used to bother me because the world likes to keep score, and I know that society values folded laundry, kittens who aren’t covered in toilet water and women wearing their most presentable self. But just past the pile of laundry, is the realm of personal pride in doing something meaningful and the self-love needed to accept that not everyone is here to be black and cream patent-leather Kate Spades, coiffed hair, tailored coat, beautiful to look at with an unmistakable air of frigidity.

And while I don’t always cheer to look down at myself and think “holy shit; what the fuck happened to me?” I have accepted that it is your heart that tells you what to value and if you don’t listen to her, you’ll one day end up pissed off because somehow you got stuck living a standard rather than your life.

So…I’m out of pants.

Yesterday I wore what amounts to a fashion “concoction”. Sweater over dress, dress over yoga pants with my Nepalese boots disguising the fact that I ran out of socks a full week ago, and, today, my pants are my “Velcro” pants, that are basically size 6 miracles capable of energetically-manifesting lint, fuzz, dirt and copious quantities of animal hair up and down their length even when no animals were even present which is not a joke and not at all funny because it’s like being a walking advertisement for witchcraft.

But whatever. It’s all good.

Live in your heart. Be real. Everyone has a place in this world.

[This is based on the 2016 foster kitten year (when I was still attempting to stay in the teaching field) but all else remains current except that the Nepalese boots met their end a few weeks ago and can I say they went out in a fashion appropriate to my life by developing a hole in the bottom over the course of a snowy work day the end of which can be described as being like wearing a black leather snow cone on my foot. #kitten #kittens #saltlakecity]

Peace inside speeding abyss

[pic of the sky that very morning of “hey guys”. What a beauty)

In early 2017, I had an experience when I looked at the moon peeking out from behind the clouds; I could feel myself floating in a great abyss of blackness, racing through a Universe of unknown size at speeds that are literally unimaginable for my human brain to comprehend.

And in that same moment, I could feel the truth of that experience; the truth of all of that was happening as I stood there watching cloud wisps uncover the moon. And I became terrified. For in spite of what we perceive is occurring, we ARE hurtling through space. Through blackness, on a rock, floating with nothing underneath us, and if you push past yourself for a minute, you break through the illusion created by your own mind and instead of looking at the loveliness of our moon coming out from behind the clouds—feeling like the center of the world with moon as a beautiful reflection of our sun, rotating around our earth, anchoring us into stability–come to experience that we are simply specks in a larger whole within which we’re such a small part our brains can’t even get there. And the awareness of it all at once was too much for me that night and I hurriedly looked away from the sky. Because in spite of all of the well-intentioned New Age blah blah sometimes it makes perfect sense to be afraid.

And yet life moves on.

And so it was that this morning I walked outside under what (I’m assuming) is the same rock in the sky reflecting the light of the sun and a breeze was making the trees talk and stars were revealing great magic, and I inhaled of breath for the beauty above me, and instead of fear felt grateful they beheld a larger truth than human.

Then as I walked into the house with Sasha (aka Sasha Pants, our angelic boarder canine), looked at stars and moon and said “hey guys” in greeting, and started singing “…Rocket Man, burning out his fuse up there alone,” like passing through to thought, the sky was now my new home.